The Apple Car joke list

Numerous rumors now have Apple trying to get into the car business, following Google, as the two companies copy each other mercilessly in every way other than user privacy.


Long ago, there were jokes about “what if Microsoft built a car.” The original author is unknown, but the joke goes like this (I’ve cut out some bits):

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Sometimes, making a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  4. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
  5. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
  6. Sometimes, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  7. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

So what would an Apple car look like today?

  1. apple-stuffAll cars would be calledAllpar Car, but they would be differentiated by date, and you’d just have to know that you had an Apple Car (Late March 2017).
  2. The dashboard would have a single control panel with six buttons and a click-wheel.
  3. Cars would only be supported for the next two generations.
  4. After the warranty expired, buyers could get any repair done for $345 at the Apple Store, but they might lose all their settings and get different color seats.
  5. All fluids would be filled using the same opening — electricity, oil, antifreeze, washer fluid, and brake fluid. Adapters to let you use this opening for other purposes, such as adding washer fluid, would cost $300. The excuse for this is that it would be the thinnest car in the industry.
  6. Hundreds of outsiders would sell car covers and replacement adapters.
  7. Two years later, the market would see the Samsung Car, with identical styling, in 120 varieties. Apple Car would come in regular and plus sizes.
  8. After a year, Apple would introduce new controls for the car removed the features most valued by customers and made the displays less legible.
  9. Within five years, Apple would take 92% of the industry’s profits, but many publications would insist that didn’t matter because their market share was only 30%.
  10. Most people would think you had to buy music for the radio from Apple despite “Import” options.
  11. Power companies would have to buy “made for Apple” certification for their electricity to go into the car.
  12. What’s your addition?